Do We Need to Talk About My Parents?
If you are looking to address longstanding patterns in how you feel, behave or relate to other people, the answer is often yes. If you have generally been doing well and developed anxiety or mood difficulties in response to a recent event, then not necessarily.
Many of the clients I see fall into the first group. They sometimes ask: why do we need to talk about the past when what is bothering me is happening in the present?
That is a very reasonable question. The connection between earlier experiences and present-day responses is not always obvious, particularly when it operates outside conscious awareness.
Our brains make sense of new situations partly through what we have learned before. Memory is contextual, and our previous experiences influence what we notice, how we interpret events and what we expect from ourselves and other people.
For example, if I have developed a deeply held belief that I am worthless or unlovable, I may look at the world through that lens. I may pay particular attention to experiences that seem to confirm the belief while overlooking information that contradicts it. Over time, this can contribute to persistent difficulties in relationships and in how I relate to myself.
To make matters more complicated, as an adult you may rationally understand that you are not worthless, yet still feel that way emotionally. This is because our memories and learned responses are not only cognitive. They can also involve emotions, physical sensations and automatic protective reactions.
If we ask, “Where did I learn this about myself?” or “When do I remember first feeling insignificant, unsafe or unlovable?”, earlier experiences may become relevant. These experiences can form part of the foundation for beliefs and responses that continue into adulthood, even when they are no longer accurate or helpful.
Children have very little control over the world around them. When important adults are rejecting, frightening, inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, a child may conclude that there must be something wrong with them. In some ways, this can create an illusion of control: if the problem is me, perhaps I can change myself and finally receive the care, safety or approval I need.
Not everyone’s difficulties originate in childhood, and therapy is not about searching for problems with your parents or forcing every present concern into an early-life explanation. The aim is to understand the experiences and relationships that shaped the patterns affecting you now. These may include childhood experiences, but they can also involve later relationships, traumatic events, chronic stress or other significant circumstances.
In therapy, including EMDR and other trauma-focused approaches, we can explore the origins of persistent beliefs and responses and work with the underlying memories beyond the intellectual level. The aim is not only to know that you are worthy, safe or lovable, but to help this feel more believable emotionally and physically.
So yes, we may need to talk about your childhood and your parents—not to assign blame, but to understand and update earlier learning so that it does not continue to distort your experience of the present.
